


Deaky's big holiday

by Wild_Honey_Pie



Category: Pee-Wee's Playhouse (TV), Queen (Band)
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe - Crack, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Crack, Crossover, Established Relationship, First Kiss, Fluff, Fluff and Humor, Getting Together, Happy Ending, Humor, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Read, Romance, Series, Short Chapters, To Read, alternate univers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-07
Updated: 2020-02-03
Packaged: 2021-02-27 11:47:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 6,951
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22166620
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wild_Honey_Pie/pseuds/Wild_Honey_Pie
Summary: John Deacon meets a mysterious blond stranger and decides to take a road trip to Indiana for his birthday party. (Based on Pee-wee's big holiday)
Relationships: John Deacon & Roger Taylor, John Deacon/Roger Taylor, dealor, joger - Relationship
Kudos: 4





	1. The accidental meet-up

**Author's Note:**

> Ayooo this is my first Joger fic, and my first Ao3 fic!!  
> Comments and criticism is welcome but please try not to be too harsh :)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John Deacon lives a boring life in a small town. That is, until some comes and spices things up ;)

John Deacon was an average boy ( or so he thought). He had fluffy auburn hair, and grey eyes. John was also very smart. top of his college class, but out for summer. That morning, as he woke up, his alarm clock set off a huge Rube Goldberg machine that eventually got him dressed, fed, and out the door to go to the Panera bread, where he worked. John was a valued member of the Panera staff because he was the best at making bread. everyone loved his bread, and they made sure to tell him, too. This particular morning, John was getting set up to work his shift when three familiar faces walked through the kitchen door. 

"Tim, Colin, Johnathan!" he exclaimed. "What are you guys all doing here?" he looked up at the three men, in confusion. 

" We need to talk" said Tim. He glanced at the other two men. "We need to break up the band" he said, with a sad look on his face.

The four boys had been in their band "Humpy Bong" since they were in high school, and John loved rocking out with them, so naturally he was heartbroken. 

"Why?" he asked " I thought we were a great band" 

Colin answered " None of us have the time anymore, Deaky. Johnathan and I are starting our home for children with ass burgers, and Tim has a crippling hentai addiction, so we can barely get him out of the house" Tim shot him a dirty look. 

"What am I supposed to do with my bass then?" he yelled. 

"I don't know john" said Tim. "Maybe you could try to start a solo career?" 

This made John furious. "You know very well that I cannot sing!" he snapped. "Plus, what other band would want to hire someone who slaps two bass fishes together instead of playing the actual bass guitar? " John was holding back tears at this point. 

"I'm sorry Deaky, but we can't do this anymore" said Johnathan. Then, he and the rest of the former band walked out of the kitchen door, leaving their old fish bassist behind. 

John was feeling so many emotions right now, he just wanted to scream, and run out of the shop, but he worked the rest of his shift. As he was about to leave, the manager stopped him. 

"Listen John, you're one of the most trustworthy and kind people I know." he explained. " I need to go out for a while, but I can't leave the shop unattended, so can you watch it for me?" 

John couldn't say no to his manager. He could barely say no to you tube when it asked him if he wanted to get premium. "Fine" he muttered, and watched the manager walk out the door. 

Not two minutes after he left, a customer sat down at the counter.( John had always wondered why there was a counter at a Panera, but he never had the guts to ask.) 

"What can I get for you today, sir?" He asked the man, politely. Then, John started to notice how handsome the man was. He had shoulder length bleached blond hair, and eyes so blue he could almost feel himself swimming through them. The man was kinda scrawny, he thought; but it was an elegant sort of feminine scrawniness. John was so lost in thought he almost didn't hear the man order a cheese toast. Great! he thought . Cheese toast was his specialty. He could easily impress the blond stranger, no sweat. 

"Allrighty sir, your total is $4.20, I'll be right out with your order very soon!" he said to the man, and smiled. So far his day had gone badly, but seeing that cute stranger somehow made him feel a little better. John quickly made some delicious cheese on toast for the customer, and placed it down in front of him. He watched the man almost inhale the meal, then look back up at him. 

"That was the best cheese on toast I've had in my entire life!" he declared, licking his fingers. "I'm Roger by the way" he said, and shook john's hand. 

Roger's touch was so gentle and calm. "I'm john" he replied. "But you can call me Deaky if you'd like."

"How'd you get a nickname like that from John?" he asked.

"My last name is Deacon" John said, shyly. But at least its not the ugliest name in the world, like... 

"Keith!" They both said at the same time. "Well, the second most ugly is Mitchell!" they said, in unison again. " Third place is tied between two." both of them were shocked that they were still both saying the same thing. "Leonard and Gary!" The two stared at each other with bright eyes. Had they both found their new soulmate? "Stop it!" "No, you stop it!" they said together, again. Then, both of them started laughing and cackling as hard as they could. 

When the laughter died down, Roger started. " Hey, I'm new in town, would you mind giving me a tour? " he asked.

John was excited; he knew this town like the back of his hand, but then he realized he was supposed to be watching the Panera for his boss. "No, sorry. I can't. My boss said I have to stay here 'till he gets back." John said, disappointingly. " I really wish I could, though." 

Roger looked back at him with a big grin. "I take it you don't break a lot of rules" he said, and John nodded. "Well Deaky, why don't you live a little for once, and take me on a tour?" 

John really wanted to say yes. Go on a tour of the town with a beautiful man? That sounded like a dream come true!.. But his boss would kill him if he did. Then again.... roger was pretty easy on the eyes. " What the heck!" said John " Lets do this" As they walked out of the shop, he flipped the sign on the door to say "closed". 


	2. The invitation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John gives Roger the tour, and Roger gives him something else in return...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh I forgot to mention I'm writing this because pee-wee was in his 60's when the movie was made (2016) and I wanted to make a fluff crackhead version with no pedophiles :)

When they were outside of the Panera, John saw a beautiful, shiny, black moped. "Here's my ride" Roger said, pointing to the vehicle. 

"Really?" John asked him. The velocipede was his favorite type of moped, and he was very excited to get to ride it. 

"Hop on!" said roger, motioning to the empty vehicle. 

"You want me to drive it?" John asked. Why was Roger, a boy he had just met, trusting him with driving his moped?

"Of course!" said Roger. " You seem the the kind of person that would have the time of his life driving my velocipede!" He smiled at John with those soft, loving eyes and grinned.

John did as he said, and hopped onto the vehicle. It was hard on his but, and john wouldn't be surprised if there was a bruise on it by the time they got off. Roger sat behind him and wrapped his soft hands around John's waist. This almost sent a shiver down his spine. Roger (A HOT TOURIST) had his arms around John's waist. Roger placing a helmet onto John's head snapped him back to reality. 

"Oh! Thanks." He stammered. "Are you sure you want me to drive this thing?" 

"Absolutely!" said Roger. And with that, John took off down the road.

\----------------------

John had almost crashed the moped multiple times as he drove to their destination. When they arrived at John's house, Roger looked confused. "Why are we starting the tour here?" he asked. 

John just took his hand and smiled. He led them off the moped and into John's backyard. There, in the grass stood a large table with a model of the entire town on it. John was pleased to be able to show Roger his modeling skills. Maybe later he could show him the giant model of all the ABBA members that he had sculpted last summer. 

"Whoa!" Roger said, in shock. "Is this the whole town?" he looked at all the buildings laying out on the table. 

"Yep" John responded. He motioned to one of the buildings. "Look here! that's the Panera where I work!" then he pointed at another one . "That's the public library" he told Roger. He moved his hand across the model to his house. "This is where I live" he said. 

Roger looked at the model carefully, and noticed something. " Why is there a tree house in the backyard?" he asked. 

John looked up at the tree they were standing by. "Well, that's the only part of the model that doesn't actually exist...yet." He ran his finger along the bark of the tree, thinking of all the things he could do in that soon-to-be tree house. All of the people he could do. He stared back up at Roger, hiding his blush in his hands. 

Then, Roger pulled out his phone. "Why don't we take a selfie here, and then later when you have it built we can take another one to see the progress" 

John wasn't much for taking pictures. He really didn't like his appearance all that much. But passing up a picture with Roger? No way! He hummed in agreement and rested his head on the man's shoulder. Roger snapped a picture of them under the tree, and you could visibly see John's blush. 

"Awe, Deaky! You're blushing!" Roger laughed. This just made him blush even harder. "Hey, listen" he said as he walked over to the moped. He handed john a piece of paper. "Here's an invitation to my birthday party in Indiana. You need to get out a little, and I really hope to see you there." 

John looked down at the invitation." "Wait! you're the drummer of Queen?" he asked. He wasn't a huge fan of the band, but he knew who they were. 

"Yep" said roger. He hopped onto his moped and was about to drive away when John grabbed his arm 

"I don't know if this is kind of soon. I mean, I know we just met a few hours ago, but I feel like I've known you for a lifetime. " he said to Roger, who was nodding in agreement. He took the Blonde's hands, and looked into his eyes. "Roger, I really like you" he leaned forward until their foreheads were touching. he gently put his lips on Roger's, carefully leading the kiss. Roger's lips parted, allowing John to explore his mouth. He tasted the the cheese toast John had made him earlier. This made John smile into the other boy's lips, and hum. 

When he pulled away, John could tell he was blushing like mad. John smiled when he saw how red roger's lips were from the kiss. I did that he thought. Roger looked at him with those kind eyes. "That was smooth deacon"he said, winking. "Like diarrhea " Roger laughed at his own sexy joke. John meant what he said earlier. He did like him. A lot. 

"I'll only go to your party if we can disco dance together." said John. He loved dancing. especially while he was playing the Bass with Humpy Bong.

"Anything for you, my sweet" Roger sang with a grin on his face, but it soon disappeared when he said "Well, I'd better get going" John gave him a quick peck on the lips before watching him zoom away on the moped. "Bye Roger!" he yelled after him, and saw the blond blow him a kiss goodbye. 

John took another look at the paper he was still holding. Indiana, huh. He thought to himself. That can't be too bad. He was a fan of the office, after all. John couldn't help smiling after the tender moment he had shared with his new friend. "I guess I'm going on holiday" he said out loud, to no one in particular. John was looking forward to dancing with Roger.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow did you like that spicy scene? It was my first time writing a kissing scene in that much detail so I hope you didn't cringe too much!! At least this is crack so it doesn't matter that much, right?


	3. John?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John is just starting his journey to Roger's party and he already gets himself into a big mess.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you like the Beatles because they appear in this chapter :)

John went back to work the next day, and the manager was furious. "I trusted you!" he shouted at John. "You're the best damn bread maker in this entire restaurant, you can't just leave us, unannounced!" 

"That's the thing" said John, looking down at his feet. He suddenly got a sick feeling in his stomach. "I'm going on holiday. Just for three or four days though." He felt really bad for leaving, but he knew it would be worth it so see Roger's face when he came to his party. "I'll work overtime when I get back, anything just please let me take these days off!" he pleaded. 

His manager looked at him. He seemed to soften. "Oh, alright John. You can take a few days off, but only because you're such a good kid."

John was so happy that his manager was going to let him go to the party. He smiled his biggest smile at the manager and thanked him a thousand times before he quickly walked out the door to start his holiday. 

\------------------

When John got home, a million thoughts were racing through his brain. He couldn't wait to see roger again. To kiss his pretty face, to make friendship bracelets with him, to eat birthday cake with him, that would be the perfect day.

John started packing his suitcase. He filled it with only the essentials: A disco ball, five pairs of yellow booty shorts, assorted white t-shirts, an at-home perm kit, and of course his George foreman grill, cheese, and bread so he could make cheese toast on the road. 

Even with the small amount of items he packed, his bright green suitcase was bulging. John sighed. He would just have to live with it. 

As he started to walk out of his house, he decided to take one last item: his bass fish. One could never know if there would be a musical emergency! 

\-------------------

John was in his eggshell blue car, stopped at a streetlight. Indiana, here I come! he thought to himself. A moment later, he heard yelling coming from the bank near him. Four handsome young men ran out of the building, holding silver switchblades and large sacks of money. This startled John, but it startled him even more when it seemed like they were coming towards his car. John prayed for the stoplight to turn green before they could get close to him, but sadly it stayed red as the bank robbers forced open his doors and shoved themselves into his car.

As the stoplight finally turned green, the man closest to John held his blade up to his neck. "Drive" he spat at him, and John stepped on the gas petal, fearing his life.

Apparently, John wasn't driving fast enough because the man by him made him pull over and switch spots with him so he could drive instead. 

\--------------------

The five had been driving for about ten minutes when they stopped at a motel. Three of the men grabbed him while the other opened the door to what he presumed to be their room. 

The boys sat him down on a chair and started tying him down. John tried to resist it, but the men were too strong for him to control. 

"Let me go!" he screamed. "I have to see my friend!" He squirmed and wiggled in his chair, trying to get free. 

The man that had taken the wheel earlier looked at him right in the eyes.He had dark brown hair and skinny, arched eyebrows . " I don't care if your friend is Larry the cucumber aka the hottest vegetable on earth, we're not letting you go!" he sneered. 

One of the other men spoke up. He had lighter hair and was wearing small round glasses that were perfectly sculpted to fit his pointed nose. "Paulie, he seems fine. Maybe we can trust him not to snitch." 

"No way!" the man the man next to him spat. John couldn't help but notice his nose was very thicc, but he had beautiful blue doey eyes to contrast. The big nosed man had his arm around one of the others that was laying with him on the bed. He had bushy eyebrows, and sharp canines, he noticed. Then, the sharp toothed man commented " He's just gonna rat us out to the police!" 

John tried to intervene "I hap-" he was cut off by the man called Paulie

"Zip it, numbnuts" he spat. 

"Actually I have a name, It's John" John tried to explain. 

As soon as the words left his mouth, three out of the four men burst out laughing. Paulie even rolled on the floor, and John could make out slight tears forming in his eyes. 

"What'd I say?" he asked, getting annoyed with their lack of communication. 

"Oh, nothing" said the one with the cheekbones. "I'm George." He flipped out his switch blade towards John so he could see his name engraved on the side. 

Big nose and Paulie did the same. Apparently they were Ringo and Paul. 

The one that was left looked down at his shoes. Paulie likes to call me Lennie, but my name's actually... "he pulled out his switchblade "John" 

The other three must've thought this was the funniest thing in the world because the continued to howl with laughter, as the two Johns looked at each other awkwardly. 

The laughter immediately stopped when there was a knock at the door, "Police, open up" a strong voice said.George and Ringo hid the bags of money while Paul slowly walked over to the door. He opened it up and John saw four police officers. "we got a complaint." one of them said 

"Finally" John said aloud, but was shocked when one of the other police officers said "That you weren't respecting the drip!" 

The three stripped off their clothes, and revealed the tellatubby costumes they were wearing underneath their fake uniforms. 

" Our dancing buddies!" Ringo said, excitedly. He took out his phone and started playing Freddie spaghetti songs while they danced with the men. "This was so worth $200" he said, laughing with George. 

In the chaos of the dancing, someone accidentally pushed Johns chair down, and as his head hit the ground, he could feel his consciousness fading. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos now  
> KUDOS NOW


	4. There's a snake in my boot!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Paul and his gang leave, John is faced with the challenge of finding a ride, and his big fear of snakes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry the other chapters were so badly written, but I actually tried a little on this one.

When John woke up, his head hurt like a bitch. As his eyes came into focus, he saw something in front of him. The band of boys had apparently left the trashed hotel room, but not without leaving something behind. The other John's switch blade was pinning a note to a pink flowery tissue box. John was still tied to the chair so it was a little bit of a struggle to scoot closer. John's note said:

"John, we will always have our name. This is for you. 

-Sincerely, John"

John scooted a little closer to the note and managed to grab the knife. He used it to cut the ropes off his body, and ran out the hotel door as soon as he was free. 

" Great" he muttered, looking out at the motel parking lot "They took my car".

He kicked some loose gravel from the asphalt while he decided what to do. John's car had his suitcase with all his things in it. All had seemed lost, when he heard a man's voice from behind him.

" Pardon me?" 

John turned around 

"Is everything okay, sir?" 

" Oh yeah, just peachy" John said, sarcastically. "My car was stolen" 

The man looked at him in shock

"Really?" 

John nodded, looking down at his feet. 

" I'm going east, if you need a lift" The stranger explained. 

John felt so relived 

" That would be great! Thank you so much!" 

The two walked over to his car, and John saw a Styrofoam cup of coffee filled to the brim, sitting on top of the roof of the man's car. The stranger didn't seem to notice as he walked over to open the door on the other side of the car. 

"Excuse me, sir" John peered over the vehicle, and the man looked up at him. "Don't forget about your coffee." he said, motioning to the hot beverage on top of the car. 

The man just laughed, picked up the cup, and turned it upside down. Surprisingly, nothing spilled out of it. 

" It's just a magnet!" he chuckled. "I'm a salesman, this is one of my top sellers" he explained, smiling. 

He slid into the car and John followed along. He was feeling a bit nervous to be in a stranger's car, but relived he wouldn't have to walk all the way to Roger's party. The man took another magnet out of his car, but this time it looked like a bag of groceries. He grinned and stuck it on the hood of the car. This made John giggle. 

"Now lets hit the road!" the stranger said as he took the wheel and started the car. 

\--------------------------

The two men had been driving for around 15 minutes, and every time someone told the man there was a bag of groceries on his car, he just snickered and rolled up the passenger window, which had an ad for his company on it , explaining that it was only a magnet. There was even an ad in Spanish! He and the man talked and laughed about this for a while as John stared out the window. 

John grimaced as they passed a billboard. 

Snake farm  
100 miles

"Ew, a snake farm" 

John had been scared of snakes since he was 12. He had pooped out what he thought was a tapeworm, but was actually a seven-foot python that was shockingly skinny. 

"You don't like snakes?" 

"Nope!" Just thinking about their slimy, squiggly bodies made him squirm. 

"Well I'm sorry sport, but that's where we're headed." 

John looked at him in shock.

"I need to make a delivery there, but I don't think it'll take too long." He explained.

John gulped. It'll be fine They're probably more scared of you than you are of them he thought to himself 

He dreamt of finally seeing Roger in Indiana. Oh what fun they would have! They could dance, and eat, and do whatever they wanted. They could make fun of people with terrible names together! But most importantly, Roger could hold him in his arms and pepper him with kisses. John longed for that feeling so much. 

\----------------- 

John awoke when the car stopped; they had arrived at the snake farm. John took a big gulp, preparing himself for what he would see inside. He and the stranger stepped out of the car, and walked up to the shop's entrance. There were large snake sculptures decorating the path to the large building. When they walked by a little brown box, the man stopped him. There was writing on the side if the box. "baby rattlers" 

"These snakes are more dangerous than adult rattlers because their poison is stronger" he explained, and motioned for John to look through the screened cover of the box. 

John bent down and took a gander at what he thought would be snakes, but was actually a pair of pale blue tiny maracas. 

"Wow, juuust wow" 

The man grinned at the punnyness of the joke. 

The pair continued walking until they reached the building. When they walked inside,John looked around at all the decorations.

The interior of the building seemed to have a safari, adventurous theme. There was brown straw grass around the borders of the shop, and there were a bunch of snakey trinkets on the shelves behind the counter in the center of the building. He saw lots of different objects on display that the owners were trying to sell. While he was looking around, something in the corner caught his eye. It was a huge stone barrel with wooden flaps on top. He walked over to it, and read its inscription. 

"Water moccasins" 

He opened the lid very carefully, and was yet again disappointed when he saw it was only a pair of moccasin shoes floating in the barrel. John decided that he hated the snake farm. I mean, he wasn't looking forward to seeing any snakes, but somehow this was worse. 

The man finished up with the owners, and John declared "This place isn't scary at all!"

"Oh, you want scary?" one of the owners asked, looking him dead in the eye 

John didn't know why, but he was feeling very confident at this moment " Yeah!Bring it on!" 

The owner took him over to a door he hadn't noticed before. 

"Do you wanna see the monster?" 

John nodded. He was ready for whatever snake she had in store for him. today was as good as any to concur his fear. 

The manger took out a huge packet of paper from by the door, and she told him to sign about a billion places on the large contract, before allowing him to step through the door. 

\----------

The room John stepped into was very dark, and mostly empty except for a patch of plastic vegetation in front of him. He was mentally preparing himself for what he thought he would see, when a huge plastic snake jumped out at him. This scared him a little bit, but not as much as when he turned around to see an even larger, real snake right in front of him. It hissed in his face, and John let out a deafening scream. He didn't stop screaming until they took him out of the building and the stranger he arrived with drove of without him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh no! Poor deaky:( Stay tuned because I will probably update soon :D


	5. wedding?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're a fan of The Monkees, I'm sorry in advance for what you're about to read.

John was alone again. John was alone again and it was dark outside. John was alone again and it was dark outside.... in the desert. He considered his options; he could run back inside to the snake farm, hitch hike again, or walk and try to find somewhere to stay. Deaky didn't really like the first option. He did NOT want to go back with the mean lady and her giant snake. It would be hard to hitch hike because he had seen hardly any cars drive past the dirt road by the snake farm. But then again, if he walked he might not be able to find anywhere to stay. Of course, he could always compromise. He decided that he would walk to try to find shelter, but hold out his thumb to find anyone willing to pick up a lonely hitchhiker. 

John started his journey, walking along the side of the dust brown road. He stared out at what seemed like endless desert. John could see many cacti and oh-so-many tumbleweeds rolling past him as he walked. He could feel his mind start to wander as he walked. 

John couldn't stop thinking about meeting up with Roger. He was looking forward to the day when he saw him again in Indiana. These thoughts seemed to be the only think keeping him going on this disastrous journey to his party. Deaky also thought about what kind of other people would be invited to Roger’s party. He was rich and famous, so he probably knew a lot of other popular people. Then john gasped. What if he knows Danny Devito?!?! Meeting THE Danny Devito at Roger’s party? That would be the best thing ever! John realized he was getting himself too excited. He bet Roger didn't even know who Danny Devito was. Deaky was about to convince himself that Roger was an uncultured swine who didn't even watch m&m commercials when his thoughts were interrupted. 

John saw a big white farm house in front of him. At that point it was almost too dark to see, but he could make out a figure on the long wooden porch. He walked closer, and saw it was a man sitting in a rocking chair with a piece of straw in his mouth. As John approached the porch, the man stood up. 

“Uh, hello there” he stammered  
“What brings you around here?” the stranger asked  
“Well, I need a place to stay for the-”  
“Say no more my friend, came on in” 

The strange man motioned for him to come inside the house.  
“I’m farmer Brown by the way”  
“Oh.Im John” John smiled. “Thank you for allowing to stay here”  
“Of course!” Farmer Brown returned his sunny smile.  
\------------------  
The inside of the farm house had a rustic style. John really liked the way it was decorated. 

“Allow me to introduce you to my sons” The farmer pointed to the hallway, and a boy came out, holding a tray of mashed potatoes.  
“ I’m Davy”  
The boy looked about the same age as John. He had brown eyes and hair that was in a bowl cut.  
Davy put his mashed potatoes on the table and another person stepped out of the hallway. He was carrying a dish of green beans, and was wearing an emerald green hat  
“Mike” he said.  
This boy had darker hair, and very thick sideburns that made John happy.  
Another son came from the hallway and looked at John, a can of cranberry sauce in his hands. He had dirty blonde hair, and a little blue flower painted on his cheek.  
“ The name’s Peter.” he told john as he set down his can.  
The last boy to emerge had dark fluffy hair and was smiling widely at Deaky, showing off his perfect teeth. He clutched his bowl of gravy and said  
“ Hi, I’m Micky”  
Farmer brown went and bought out even more food, and when it was all set up on the table they all sat down. Or at least, John tried to.  
“He wants to sit by me!” Davy told Peter.  
“No, he’s sitting with me” Peter growled.  
Micky intervened “You can sit here, if you’d like!” and pulled out the chair next to him  
Mike jabbed him in the shoulder and and took the chair. “ Please sit with me!”  
John had no idea where to sit, so he just stood there looking all confused until Farmer Brown yelled  
“ silence!”  
The boys went quiet.  
“John here is going to sit with me, boys. Please calm down while the guest is over”  
John was thankful for the intervention. He took the seat by the farmer and spread his napkin on his lap, gazing intently at the food that was on the table.  
"Alright! Let's eat" Declares the farmer.  
He and the boys started getting their food and shoving as much as they possibly could into their mouths.  
\-----------------  
Farmer Brown had shown John to his room. It was pretty small, but it was decorated nicely. It had pale green walls with tapestries and trinkets covering its many shelves. There was a single twin bed in the middle of it that was covered with a nice pink quilt. The whole display looked rather cozy, and when John was about to hop in bed there was a knock at the door.  
“I brought you some milk and cookies” Peter was standing on the other side when John cracked the door.  
“No thanks, I’m not hungry”  
He closed the door.  
John was walking back to bed when there was another knock on the door.  
This time, Davy was behind it  
“I brought extra blankets”  
“Its 80°, I think I'm good”  
John didn't want the boys to keep bothering him so he didn't answer the door next time it was knocked upon, but whoever was behind it just knocked harder.  
He opened the door  
“You can sleep in my room, if you’d like!” said Mike  
That was the last straw. John opened the window behind his bed and crawled out onto the roof. There was no way he was sleeping in there. John hopped off the roof, but ran towards the barn near the farmhouse when he saw all four boys staring at him, wearing nothing but rainbow thongs, and waving. He shut the barn door as hard as he could, locked it, and laid down in the hay. He tried not to think about what had just happened, and soon he was snoring like a baby.  
\----------------  
When John got up in the morning, there was straw all over his face. he wiped it off, and remembered what had happened last night. He had no idea what to do. Should he run away? Should he call the cops? Wait, he didn't have a phone. Maybe he could escape! He ever so quietly cracked open the barn door, and peeked out. It didn't seem like there was anyone there, so he dusted himself off and stepped outside. As soon as his foot touched the ground, a rusty truck came down the road, driven by Farmer brown with his sons in the back. John tried to run away, but the farmer called. "Good Morning John!" "Ah, Mornin'" "hop in!" He stopped the truck. John was afraid of what the man would if he didn't obey, so he opened the door and sat down beside him. Farmer brown started up the truck again, and soon they were driving down the dirt road. "Where are we going?" John had to hide his fear. "To the chapel. One of my boys is getting married" "Oh, which one" "Whichever one you'd like" he smiled at John "What?" Deaky stared at him in confusion. "Which one of my boys would you like to marry?" the farmer asked him, calmly. John was about to freak out "For Pete's sa-" "Peter?" the farmer yelled out the back window to the boys that were sitting in the truck bed. "you're the chosen one!" Pete gasped and threw his arms around Davy, who was sitting next to him. "OH MY GOSH I'M GETTING MARRIED" \-------------- As the truck arrived to the chapel, a bead of sweat dripped from John's forehead, he was NOT getting married today. "I don't wanna go in there" he protested, but the farmer just took his arm and dragged him out of the truck, into the white building. Peter stepped up to the altar, and motioned for john to some up with him. John noticed he was wearing a beautiful white wedding dress, and holding a bouquet of flowers. When had he changed? John stepped up next to him and reluctantly took his hand. The pastor that had appeared next to them was about to begin the ceremony, when John declared "I-I have to go to the bathroom" \----------- "okay, think John. Think" he said aloud to himself. He stared out the bathroom window. "Maybe?" It was bolted shut. "Damn." He looked into the dirty mirror and saw something behind him in the nasty bathtub. A cowboy had left his clothes! John took the disgusting outfit, and slipped it over his own. He smelled rancid, and his plan was likely to fail but he had no other choice. John took the ten gallon hat that was behind the shower curtain and put it on his head. He tilted it so it covered most of his face. That would have to do. Deaky took the handle of the door and turned it. "this is it" he thought. "I'm going to die" He stepped out of the bathroom, and luckily the boys didn't seem to recognize him. "Howdy, fellers" They stared at him in awe. "Where's John?" Peter asked. " oh, that young man? I don't think he liked you lot that much. Now, I reckon I should be leaving" He sauntered to the chapel's exit, and slipped out. John walked until the chapel was out of sight, and let out a huge breath he didn't realize he was holding in. He then slipped off the slimy get-up he was wearing, and continued his search for a way to Roger's party.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow i did not mean to make it that creepy but like,,, it's crack so what're you gonna do.


	6. Donald Trump's mobile salon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John finds himself in yet another strange situation, but manages to snag a ride to Indiana.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok i swear to god Russia is going to send assassins to kill me for writing this.

John had been walking along the side of the road for what seemed like hours, when the honk of a horn behind him startled him. He whipped his head around and saw a bright red bus coming towards him. He stepped off the road, and the bus came to a halt as it reached him.

The bus door opened, and a fat orange man stepped out with a large black cloth over his head. He was followed by two other guys, all with the same covering.

The man pointed at John “Look at you!” He glanced at the others behind him “You’re coming with us”

All three people were wearing full faces of glamorous makeup, which startled John.

The man took John’s hand and brought him inside the bus. At this point, John was too exhausted to protest, but at least it was free transportation, right? Maybe he could get them to take him to Indiana.

The trio laughed as the bus started moving again. They sat him down in a chair by a large mirror, and they took their own seats.

“Welcome to the mobile salon!” Said one of the men. He had a Russian accent, and looked very serious.

John looked around at the inside of the bus. There were mirrors and stools everywhere, and everything was littered with beauty supplies.

The other guy spoke up. He had a sassy look in his eyes “We are the best salon on earth”

\--------------------

“And that’s how we met” explained the Russian.

“Wow, Vladimir! That was a great story” John had been listening to her story about how the salon had started up for a while. Apparently the orange man was Donald Trump and the other boy was James Charles. The dude that told him the story was named Vladimir Putin.

“Look at us now!” Said Donald. “On our way to compete at Indianan's national hair competition!” Hearing those words made John perk up.

“What a coincidence, I’m also going to Indiana!” The three others looked at him excitedly.

James spoke up “Maybe we could drop off sister John at the nearest bus stop when we get there?”

The others nodded.

“But first, we need to get him a makeover!” James continued.

They all let out deafening squeals, and Donald got out a pair of pink glittery scissors.

John really didn't want to do this, but it was the least he could do since they were driving him all the way to Indiana.

\-------------

"So, why are you heading to Indiana? " Donald asked as he trimmed John's permed Auburn locks.

"I'm going to my friend's party. We met at the Panera I work at, and he said I don't get out much, so he invited me to his big birthday party. Apparently he's the drummer of Queen. " John fiddled with the cape James had put on him to catch his falling hair.

Vladimir gasped "Roger Taylor invited you to his birthday party?!? "

John smiled "Yeah, I guess he did. "

Vladimir squealed. "Oh, em, gee! I totally love that band! Roger is sooo cute you are so lucky!!"

"Are you sure he's just a friend? " James asked, with a sly grin on his face.

John blushed. “ Well, we kissed before he left. But that doesn't really mean anything, does it?”

“Of course it does, girl!” Donald told him . “Vlad, babe, could you get his makeup?”

Vladimir nodded and pulled some makeup brushes from a cluttered drawer.

John was holding back a smile. “Do you really think he wants to be my, y'know, boyfriend?”

“Well, I mean he is famous so you never know. He did invite you to go all the way to Indiana though, so that must mean something.” Donald removed the itchy cape and stood back to admire his work.

“Ooh, sister john looks like a snack!” James exclaimed. “If he didn't like you before, he definitely will now”

John wasn't used to this much attention. He smiled ear to ear.

“Keep your face still sweetie, I need to start on the makeup” Vlad smeared some kind of foundation on his face.

When Vlad had finished John’s makeup, he wheeled his chair around to show everyone else in the room.

“Tadaaa!” Vlad held out his arms and smiled.

“OH EM GEE” Donald screeched, and waved his hands in the air. “Girl you look hella beautiful”

As the boys gathered around him, a question popped into John’s head

“What’s under the black things on your heads?” He didn't know why it hadn't occurred before that they might be hiding something.

The three men stared at him before they backed up from his chair. They all simultaneously looked at each other and unwrapped the coverings that were concealing their hairdos.

Out came three gigantic, sparkly, marvelous hair-masterpieces. Donald’s was a huge yellow taco. It was so sparkly that Deaky hand squinted his eyes just to look at it. James’s was a giant pink dildo.

“What the fuck?” was the only thing John could possibly say when he saw it.

James giggled

Vladimir’s hair looked like Donald’s face, but it was gigantic and covered in blue glitter.

John was awestruck by all three fabulous looks.

“Wow, you guys are definitely going to win the hair contest thingy”

“Oh, thanks love.” Vladimir winked at John, which made him squirm in his seat.

\--------------------

When the bus arrived at a station in Indiana, John prepared to leave. He gave goodbye hugs to everyone and opened the bus door. Then, something caught his eye. It was a black curtain in front of what would be where the bus driver sat.

“Wait, who has been driving this whole time?” he took the curtain in his hand, and pulled to reveal who was sitting in front of the wheel.

“ROBBIE FROM VICTORIOUS?!?!?” John almost fainted

He could not believe that his child idol had been driving him and a bus full of glamorous twinks across the country. Robbie also had a magnificent hairdo like the rest of the boys. It looked like a gigantic piece of Gouda cheese.Then, Rex popped out from behind him and said “Vaginaboobz”

John ran off the bus, and bumped straight into David Bowie.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like this was the most crackhead chapter so far, but hopefully you enjoyed it :)

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry the chapters are so short but I will try to update quickly :))


End file.
